What’s Wrong With My Teenager?
If you have preteens or teens, you may have noticed that when they enter the middle-school years they seem more withdrawn and anxious. Is that normal? The answer is yes, and Dr. Terri Daniels and I discuss this issue in this episode of the podcast.
Is There Something Wrong With My Kid?
[0:50] In their preteens and early teens, kids start to change. Suddenly (it seems), pleasing adults is not as important to kids as pleasing their friends. This is normal. The biggest factor contributing to this change in behavior is puberty.
It’s okay to give our kids their space during this time of their lives. It’s natural for them to test their boundaries and to test their independence. Our kids’ withdrawal doesn’t always mean it’s because of negative choices in their life. Sometimes it’s just part of a normal developmental process.
Do Your Kids Have SOAP?
[3:36] Even when our kids don’t want to talk to us, they can talk to someone else. Sometimes that works out even better for them and for us.
This other person is called SOAP: a Significant Other Adult Person. This is another adult in our kids’ lives that they feel comfortable talking to. This can be a family member, a teacher, or a counselor. This person can be a vital part of kids being able to work through some of the questions and issues they have. Parents, this is also an opportunity to stear our kids toward someone we know and trust.
How To Keep the Lines of Communication Open
[8:00] We have all been teens before. Many of us probably remember withdrawing from our parents and spending more time in our rooms. But as parents we still want to be able to check in with our kids and make sure nothing more serious is happening.
We can keep the lines of communication open by knowing who are kids are spending time with. Who are their friends? Whether it’s something at school or at home, we can also have our kids get involved in something they like to do. We can ask them questions about the things they are interested in and really listen to what they have to say.
On the other hand, we should never say, “What’s wrong with you?” to our kids. That question sends the message that something is in fact wrong with our kids. Remember, our kids are mostly working through a developmental stage of life. They don’t need to be reminded of how awkward this stage can be. Listening and being truly present in our kids’ lives can make a huge impact on keeping the lines of communication open.
Asking Our Kids Better Questions
[11:49] In order to better connect with our kids, we need to ask more open-ended questions. Another idea to engage in conversation, is the High/Low conversation: asking our kids what their high for the day was and what their low for the day was. This will encourage our kids to talk about what is important to them.
Being able to connect better with our kids will also involve putting the cell phones down. There should always be some time away from devices, so that we can talk with our kids. We need to model this. Our kids need to see us put the devices away too.
Teens don’t want to be treated like kids. We can treat our preteens and teens like people and ask them more thoughtful questions and put the devices away to make time for each other.
It’s Called Middle School For A Reason
[14:58] Middle School can be challenging because our kids aren’t little anymore, but they aren’t high schoolers yet either. This season is a time of huge growth for our kids. It’s a transition from being a little kid to finding how they can be an older kid. It’s about having more responsibilities and developing more of their independence.
This season of growth is good, but it can be very frustrating for our kids. They don’t always feel heard or understood. Sometimes half the battle with our kids is allowing them to be heard. Our preteens and teens want to express themselves and to feel heard. Giving our preteens and teens an opportunity to express their frustrations is another way to connect with them.
This doesn’t mean that we tell our kids they are right all the time. We know they aren’t. We can show them that we want to hear what they have to say and help them understand that they could be wrong. After they share their heart, we can ask them questions to help them see the whole picture. They will want to come to us more when they know that we will listen.
Asking those deeper, thought-provoking questions teaches our kids how to think critically. Opening up the conversation helps our kids take things to the logical conclusion. Giving our kids the opportunity to open up builds trust between us and our kids.
Parents, this is all a part of growth. Stay open to communication. Grow with your kids. Stay connected with them. Don’t squelch their journey of discovering who they are as individuals.
