"You First" Parenting
What is “You First” parenting? It comes down to two questions: Are we putting everyone else’s needs before our own? Or are we living our lives at the expense of what our kids need from us? Either way, something probably needs to change. Dr. Terri Daniels and I discuss what it means to take care of ourselves first when parenting.
You First Parenting
[1:55] You First parenting is helping ourselves before we help our kids. It’s a way of putting our needs before the needs of others. This may sound selfish, but it isn’t about being selfish.
Here’s an analogy to explain this concept. During the safety check on a commercial flight, the flight attendants will tell passengers that in the event of a decrease in cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop down in front of them. If this happens, passengers MUST place their own oxygen mask on BEFORE helping their kids with their oxygen masks.
If we can’t breathe, we can’t help anyone.
Balancing
[3:30] Sometimes we get so busy helping others around us, including our kids, that we fail to help ourselves first. There needs to be a balance between meeting the needs of our kids and meeting our own needs. If we are not taking care of ourselves, we won’t be able to take care of our kids the way we want or the way they need.
Balance can look like saying “no” to some things, so that you can say “yes” to other things. We can start by looking at our commitments. Do any of our commitments take time away from ourselves and our kids?
We can also ask ourselves this question:
The question, “What is mine to do?” is really asking us to decide what is worth putting our effort into at any given moment. If we feel ourselves getting amped up or overwhelmed about a situation, this question can help us to focus on what is truly important and relevant for us to be working on. This question is a great way to bring the focus back to ourselves and our kids.
You First Parenting Is Family First Parenting
[9:25] When we think about neglect we often think about physical neglect - not having enough food, clothing, or care. But there is another form of neglect that we don’t think about and it is more common than we realize.
Many of our kids are missing out on us. We are so busy that we lack the time to spend with our kids. On top of that, we lack the time to care for ourselves in a way that energizes us. Whenever possible, we can be saying “no” to the things that take time away from our kids or that keep us from having energy. Let’s start saying “yes” to being present.
Giving more of our attention to our kids doesn’t have to be elaborate or planned out. Memories can be made in the mundane and simple things.
A You First Parenting Test
[15:00] This quote is a great way to helps us reflect on what we are doing.
“When my output exceeds my input, my upkeep will be my downfall.”
Are the things we are saying “yes” to causing us to burn out or are they filling us up?
Refilling ourselves can be as simple as reading a book or as active as going to the gym. We must find ways to fill ourselves up and not just constantly deplete our stores. When we take time for ourselves, then the time we spend with our kids will be more productive. The more we refill ourselves, the more we can give to our kids.
Replenishing ourselves can help set the tone for the whole family. When the parents are feeling refreshed, the kids will pick up on it. Teaching kids to respect their parents space helps them realize that life isn’t only about them.
We can also encourage our kids to value refilling themselves. We can teach our kids that it is important to be alone or have their own time to get refreshed. Maybe they like exercise, playing outside, reading, or just having quiet time in their rooms. Whatever it is, the whole family can enjoy time to take care of and refill themselves.
Connecting With Our Kids
[20:15] Once we have taken care of ourselves we can connect better with our kids. Connecting with our kids in meaningful ways can be spending one-on-one time with them or doing something that they enjoy. Ultimately, connecting with our kids better will start with taking better care of ourselves as people.
