The Undercover Bully | A Conversation With Brandon Part 1
Twelve years ago, Brandon Cervania was impacted by an assembly I did through The Choose Well Program. This is Part 1 of his story of being a bully and choosing to make a change.
The Quote of the Day
[1:00] "Never underestimate the power of a moment." As you will hear in this interview with Brandon, a moment in time can lead to a changed life. We all have the potential to be a catalyst for change in the lives of the students and people around us. We should never underestimate the power that one moment can have.
"Never underestimate the power of a moment."
To never underestimate the power of a moment is to be fully present in each moment. This can be tricky with our busy lives and endless distractions. But our attention to a single moment in time can impact someone’s life long-term. Especially, as educators we may not see the outcome of any given moment or interaction we have with students. However, those students will likely remember what kind of person we were when we were with them and whether or not their moments with us were positive or negative.
Educators and parents, have the potential to leave lasting impressions on students that are either good or bad. I know for me, I want to try to be present in every moment and leave an impression that will impact a student’s life in a really positive way. Never underestimate the power of a moment.
A 12-Year Impact
[3:18] I met Brand Cervania three times. The most recent time, Brandon ran after me at a coffee shop to tell me that I had changed his life. That statement stopped me in my tracks. Brandon proceeded to tell me how he heard me speak at his high school twelve years ago and how that interaction had a strong impact on his life.
“There Is Something Wrong With Me”
[5:33] Brandon was a sophomore in high school and really struggling when he heard me speak at his school. Brandon had really strong feelings of shame and unworthiness at this time of his life. It turns out that his feelings were because he was a bully. Brandon shares how he had a history of being physically and verbally abusive to people around him. Brandon knew he wanted to change, but he was stuck in his feelings of shame for what he had done to people.
Brandon was hurting. He had events in his life that caused him to want to make others feel as bad as he did. Brandon never felt better when he was a bully, he just felt he had to make other people feel the way he did.
Turning A Corner
[9:20] In high school, Brandon started to realize the impact that his bullying had. He didn’t have real friends he could trust and he struggled with the shame of his past actions. Brandon didn’t feel he could move forward.
A combination of realizing this and hearing me speak helped Brandon turn a corner in his life. The Choose Well message I give at schools has always been about how choices impact our lives. Brandon was struck by the fact that his choices are what brought him to a point in his life where he didn’t have friends and he was struggling with shame. Brandon had made choices and those choices had made him.
“You make choices and your choices make you.”
Realizing that his choices had put him in the situation he was in wasn’t enough for Brandon to move forward. He knew he had made poor choices, but he didn’t know how to start making better choices. Brandon was impacted by the stories I shared at his school. Brandon realized that he wasn’t alone in his hurt. Other people were already hurting without him having to hurt them.
Everyone Has A Story
[11:05] From The Choose Well message and stories I shared, Brandon realized that everyone has a story. Because Brandon realized that other people were hurting too, he felt he could be someone who came along side them to help.
Sharing stories through The Choose Well Program is a way to remind people that everyone has something they are going through. When we hear stories of other people struggling, we can relate to them and it builds empathy.
Brandon’s story was that he was an undercover bully. He had kept most of his bullying private. The only people who knew the truth were the people being bullied by him. Brandon was able to put on a smile and act like he was joking. No one knew the hurt that he was going through.
Bad Choices Don’t Define You
[13:15] Brandon wanted to believe that he could stop being a bully. He wanted to believe that there was a better way to handle his problems. The Choose Well message showed Brandon that to stop bullying and move forward all he had to do was start with a choice. Brandon knew that the change in his life wouldn’t be instantaneous. He knew it would take a succcession of choices over time that would turn his life around.
Brandon also chose to change his self-perception. He realized that his past mistakes didn’t define who he was as a person. Mistakes and failures, hurt and pain don’t have to define who we are. Those things can propel us forward to be the people we want to be. It’s about choosing how to respond to the mistakes we make and the things that happen to us.
Making better choices isn’t about being perfect. It’s about the direction we are going. Brandon realized this as well. He knew that even when he made mistakes or hurt someone, he could choose to make a better choice in the future. He had tools to help resolve issues and keep moving forward.
The Better Way
[16:42] When Brandon realized he had the power to make better choices in his life, it broke down the barrier of feeling like something was wrong with him. It broke down the thought that Brandon wasn’t capable of making better choices. He knew that only he had the power to make that change in his life. The ability to make our own choices is empowering. It gives us confidence and hope.
We can’t always choose our circumstances and sometimes we are in very painful circumstances. But we can choose how to respond in those circumstances. Brandon really understood this and now feels empowered to help other people realize that they also have the power to choose.
