Helping Kids Build Resilience
We live in a culture where everything comes easily to us. We often don’t have to struggle for things and we are creating kids who want to give up too easily. Dr. Terri Daniels and I talk about helping our kids struggle in a way that develops and strengthens their resilience muscles.
Keep Swinging
[2:23] There is a video of a little boy trying to hit a baseball by throwing it up into the air and then swinging his bat. Before every swing he yells, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” He swings once, twice, and three times, striking out every time. After the third failed hit, the sad boy’s face lights up and he yells, “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!” He struck himself out.
Resilience means to keep swinging the bat or to keep moving forward even after failures or challenges. When kids can be resilient, they will be stronger people having overcome their challenges.
Three Ways Parents Can Impact Resiliency In Their Kids
[4:20] For some parents, the natural tendency is to sweep in and rescue our kids. We don’t realize that when we do this we rob our kids of working their resiliency muscles. Resiliency is an important skill and we should foster that in our kids. There are two ways we can help our kids develop resilience.
Don’t solve all of their problems for them. When we jump in to solve our kids’ problems, it makes kids grow up thinking that other people will always solve their problems for them. We can guide them and give advice if they want it, but letting our kids solve some of their own problems is important. It helps kids know that things don’t always go the way that they want them to.
Let them fail. Sometimes our kids will make choices that we know are not going to turn out well. If it’s safe to do so, we can let them make the choice and they will learn from it.
Model resiliency. Reflect on how we handle disappointment and failures of our own. Are we overcoming our own challenges and being stronger on the other side? Our kids will see how we respond to our challenges and they will learn from us.
They Can Do Hard Things
[12:00] Our kids will build their resiliency muscles by doing hard things. As parents we can allow our kids to do the hard things in life. Of course, hard things are relative. It might be hard for our kids to get themselves up in the morning to get ready for school. However, at a certain point, our kids should be setting an alarm and getting themselve up and ready for school on time. One day kids will grow up and we won’t be there to help them get to work on time.
When Kids Don’t Learn Resilience
[13:58] If kids don’t learn resilience, they become kids and adults who have parents jump in to save them from their problems. This doesn’t turn out well for the kids. Parents, it’s not about us.
We want to give our kids roots and give them wings. We can do that by giving our kids the opportunity to grow by making choices and making mistakes. When our kids learn from their choices and mistakes they will be strong enough to be productive adults who can take care of themselves.
Resiliency is helping our kids do things themselves and gain strength through the process. This is not a quick process. Kids and adults don’t learn resiliency overnight. It takes time and we should give our kids the time to build their resilience.
[NOTE: We are not suggesting we should not ever help our kids with their problems. There are some times that we must jump in and help our kids with their problems, especially if it is related to something that can harm them or other people, like bullying, drug use, mental health issues, etc.]
