Do My Kids Hate Me?
In this segment of The Choose Well Program Podcast, we Ask Dr. Daniels: What do you do when your kid says, "I hate you!"? Listen in to get Dr. Daniels’s expert advice on this topic.
The Push Me-Pull Me Phase
[0:42] At some point in our parenting journey our kids will probably say the dreaded, “I hate you!” It’s our job as parents not to crumble when this happens. It will hurt, but kids don’t really mean this when they say it.
Part of a kid’s developmental process is for them to push their parents away and at the same time pull them close. As kids gain more independence and individuality, they still want us to be close enough to help if they need us.
A Good Response To “I Hate You!”
[3:08] The first time we hear “I hate you” from one our kids, it will hurt. A lot. The key is to not take it personally. This phrase is usually a reaction from our kids, not a well thought out response. They are reacting to something they don’t like.
Examine why our kids really say “I hate you.” Mostly likely, we aren’t being hateful people, we just told them something they don’t like and they don’t want to hear. The biggest issue will be how we respond to our kids when they say “I hate you.” If we react just as angrily as our kids, it will hurt the relationship.
Stop, Think, and Choose
[5:00] The best response to our kids when they say “I hate you” is to stop, think, and choose. Our gut reaction may be to lash out, but we should stop ourselves from doing that.
Next, think about what our kids are reacting to when they say “I hate you.” What situation is taking place right at that moment and what are they really upset about?
Finally, choose a response that helps move the situation forward or eases the tension. That might mean not having a response at all or having a response that is so neutral there is no argument for it, like saying “I love you” back to them.
We Are Not Bad Parents
[8:42] We may not always love our kids’ behavior, but we always love our kids. We can tell our kids that we do not like their behavior, but we always let our kids know that we still love them. Loving our kids even when they are hurtful toward us affirms them and lets them know they are valuable members of the family. When our kids say “I hate you” it shows they are hurting in some way. To respond to them with love will help them get past the hurt.
If we don’t respond very well to our kids when they say “I hate you,” it doesn’t mean that we are bad parents. We will make mistakes in our parenting. We can be gracious to ourselves and use this time to reflect on ways to stop, think, and choose differently in the future.
